pretty little time suck

hair, meet the future. future, hair.

i'm off to the earth day celebration at the tea house. probably no prizes for best fucking hair, but who knows. today i'm feeling spiky and optimistic.

and frankly, kind of bad-ass.

Later that night....


The show was great. awesome to see the tea house blossoming into this regular venue... awesome to be a regular somewhere again. hair was met with much enthusiasm and delight, and it was fun to play the "no, we've met" game with a few people who i'd only seen once or twice before.

feeling like a colorful, whole person. it's amazing what a radical cut and dye job can do, sometimes. i had forgotten this feeling, though i don't think i ever embraced it with so much gusto when i was a kid. i feel unexpected again, changeable, intense. in a word, spiky.

i also feel like my stomach's about to implode. bo decided to come out, but at the last minute, and on the condition that he be allowed to get shitty instead of me. that was cool, except that i drank about a dozen coffees and didn't really eat much of anything. driving wired and shaky on a saturday night is almost as bad as driving with a slight buzz. the paranoia has a different tone, but it's definitely there. DDing fucking sucks.

now bo's passed out, and i'm completely wired. ran through all of Coupling yesterday, and I keep falling asleep halfway through Buffy episodes and I'm in the last season so instead of missing something I keep rewatching the same episodes over and over. I'm about to go watch half of "Never Leave Me" for the third time.

the coffee tension in my neck is giving me the weird sensation that my head is going to fall off.

it's definitely time for bed.

right before head falls off and stomach implodes
friends don't let friends DD.

and yet later...


okay. i went 6 hours without thinking about all of the work on my plate. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. combination coffee stomach plus bedtime epiphany anxiety means that despite snagging the late shift at the WATR table at the street fair tomorrow, i'm probably not getting any fucking sleep tonight. i can't keep doing this. the lack of decent sleep on a regular basis is probably going to drive me completely insane soon. this is not hyperbole.

god, why did i drink so much coffee? why do i wait until i'm finally falling asleep to start thinking about how badly i'm failing at doing school properly this semester? why in fucking fuck do i volunteer to do things for the department on my weekends?

why aren't there any fucking sleeping pills in this house?

ugh.


WELL into the next day at this point:


exhaustion, jitteriness, irritability and lopsided body pain are all jockeying for loudest fucking sensation ever at the same time, all in the fuck-you-world sensory area of my brain. this is the most crowded, cacophonous, annoying bed on earth (and i'm not even referring to bo snoring and/or farting here).

i think my ankles are taking turns being broken, i'm having sympathy pains from some poor unknown bastard who is somewhere being stabbed in the kidney right now, and i might have invisible lice. all of these things are extremely unlikely, but i haven't really convinced myself that they're impossible and not all happening to me right now.

apparently i am a very weird bird when i am this tired and stressed out and cannot cannot cannot fall asleep. i told you that going completely insane soon thing wasn't hyperbole.

i hope to god that this has been an entertaining read.
also i hope to god that i'm done writing it.

likely not.


last time.


i am batshit fucking insane. that is all.