this is how it goes.

feel like life may be returning to normal. this is a good thing, except that it comes just in time for me to freak out in earnest about the amount of work that i have to do to finish up this semester. right now, that involves writing a paper and studying for a test in geophysics, both tuesday deadlines, both probably going to have the residual suck. at least it's cheryl's class, and she seems to have some understanding of how close to the edge i've been lately. not that she's going to view that as an excuse, but i definitely have daddy issues in the don't-let-down-your-academic-superiors camp... "disappointing" is probably the worst word in the world to me... especially in light of/in the aftermath of receiving a pretty damned impressive award this week.

i don't know. it feels like the light is starting to shine again. i spent hours cleaning the house today, something that i haven't done in months (literally). i'm cooking dinner, i'm talking to bo about normal logistical things that wouldn't have been possible for me to talk about even yesterday. i've lost the acute yearning to be any place but here.

this all probably seems a little sudden, and it is, and because yesterday was the first time that i really vocalized any of this in a post, it probably seems like i've just been overreacting to something finite and insignificant, but this last month has been a real struggle for me. i've been waiting for the clouds to part, and i guess it did get darkest before the sun started to rise. so fuck you, audience, if you think that this was minor, and fuck me, future self, if you read this years from now and you've forgotten. march and april sucked. most of this semester sucked. this is the closest i've ever been to the edge, and i hope to god that it's followed by a period of feeling lighter and happier than i've ever been in my life.

if not, i'm sure we'll all be hearing about it soon.

Edit: fucking fuck fuck fuck. burned dinner. i guess this is normalcy, after all. luckily there were porkchops in the freezer. luckily bo rallied and made dinner. lucky lucky girl that i am. dinner was fucking delicious.